So I’ve been made aware that my ex-fiance is now married by a mutual friend of ours.

I guess in some way I wanted to make some sort of public statement about it to quell the rumor mills from churning up anything and also to just put this out there:

I was made aware of this happening about a week ago, last Friday night to be exact, and it was what I was stressed out about all last week. Her sister wanted me to know before I heard it through the grapevine, and I thank her for that because I’ve heard so much through second and third sources it was nice to hear it straight from her.

It broke my heart in all honestly. All over again. I guess I’ll just put it all on the table and be outright honest. It broke my heart that she left me in the first place, it broke my heart how quickly and easily I felt I was replaced and now that she’s married it breaks my heart all over again. I still remember the first thing she said to me was “I’m not ready to get married.”

All the things that she said that I wanted that she didn’t, and not even 7 months after we break up, whether she likes it or not, she’s having them.

A lesser man would take the low road. Tell my friends that it was karma biting her in the ass, whether or not if I knew she was going to be happy in her new life. That it was some sort of Alanis Morisette like irony working on her life since leaving me. A lesser man would point his finger and in the voice of Nelson Muntz tell all of his friends “Ha-ha!”

The thing is that I still care about her. I couldn’t just stop caring about her, hell I’ve known the girl since she was 15 years old. You can’t just stop caring about someone like that. Maybe I don’t “love” her anymore in a romantic sense, but I still care for her and feel for her and her family. And that feeling right there overwhelms any other feelings I may have toward her that would be of resentment, anger or other malicious feelings.

I guess the thing I want to say is this:

I harbor no resentment or ill will toward her or the new man in her life and I only wish her the best that life can offer and hope that she is happy in her new life. With our without me, I wish her only the best that life can offer because I believe she deserves it.

Am I hurt? Yes. As much as I hate to say it, every time she comes back into my life lately have been the only times I’ve been really tempted to start drinking again. It’s been rough getting over with little explanation, short of what I got two months ago when we exchanged some e-mails, where I’m still attempting to sort the truth from the hyperbole. I probably never will and should just give up.

Will I get over it? Out of all honesty, I think I already am. You can only be hurt by so many times in the same way before that wound begins to heal a little faster each time. She’s hurt me a lot over the past few months, and I know that as far as her part has been concerned it has not been malicious or intended. I accept that and don’t place any blame on her for it. She made it perfectly clear in no uncertain terms that she didn’t believe she would ever find happiness with me. And in the end, if she wasn’t going to be happy, I wasn’t going to be happy regardless of how happy she ultimately made me.